Tanubhrt.This.Side

Have you ever tried cigarettes as an adult? What did you think of them as a child? I remember, telling my brother that I would not marry a guy who smokes cigarettes ever! If after marriage, he starts smoking, I am going to get a divorce! Today, I smoked a cigarette, and I can tell you that this was not the first, not the only one, and won’t be the last! Funny right, how we change!

Who said cigarettes are bad! I got into a fight with my mother today, some random argument and then the black future that is ahead of me, started crawling and creeping me down. One decision in my head, which was not clear kept bothering me of this and that, and somehow I just could not figure out who the fuck am I and what the fuck do I even want! So, after listening to music on high volume, I barged out of the house, picked a cigarette at a shop some 5 kms away from my house, and went to a place with nobody but me! After all, when there is so much in your head, the least that you want is the judgement of people around, right! I did the same! and I can tell you, that one cigarette, and me talking to myself, in that loneliness gave me more answers, than any tarot session or therapy session or for that matter talking to a friend gave. I think the combination of cigarette and loneliness helped! Cigarette helped in calming my emotions and loneliness helped me see through what was in my head! Something like this happened few months back. I was crawling and crying and not able to sleep basically for weeks, and then smoked few cigarattes, viola, I slept like a baby fuckers! So, I know, that cigarettes cause cancer and one must not consume them, but I wonder if they are bad even if you smoke them may be once a month or once a week, or once in few months, when life fucks up a lot! More importantly, is it even possible to be just good, and be just right and be just okay all the time! I mean, no matter how much fantasise we do for the goodness, and no matter how many pedestals we put the societal correct people, first are there even such people, and secondly, is it even possible. I mean you could be shiva but still have the poison.

Why is, that we always run from the negative, towards the positive. I mean what is even the shame with have some negatives in life. After all if light was so good, you could look straight to the sun and if dark was that bad, you would not have been able to walk in night! Just like we can’t sustain too much of light, we cannot sustain too much of darkness. So, neither of them is wrong, if done in a balanced manner right!

And so basically, we need both the pain and the pleasure! Having any one of them in excess is going to create trouble! You can’t be just too sweet or too good, we are bound to have flaws, and we need to accept our flaws and our pains for the perfection and the pleasure to come in our life! This is all sounding so simple to me right now, I can tell, it took so long for me to just get to this point! But yet again, for the pleasure to be, the pain must be taken! An imbalance of either is what creates misery!

Hope you find both pain and pleasure in life!

Amore,

Avantika