Tanubhrt.This.Side

I know there are some people who believe that life is what is meant to be and it is all pre destined. To be honest, I believed in it as well for some time, but coming to think of it, I feel its all meant to be for sure, but there are choices given to us at all the cross roads and for whatever distance you have travelled so far, you can always take a choice when your life brings you to those cross roads. Once that decision is taken, it is what is meant to be!

Recently I had a fall out from a situationship, not relationship, not friendship, more of a situationship, and I have been trying to figure out what what is, what was, what will be! Situationship because friendship stays but this situationship had to end! Not overthinking now, just may be sometimes analysing, often some videos that trigger me back into those thoughts. So, all my life, I always wished it to be a certain way, I wished I had school friends, I wished I had college friends, I wished I was the person to be in the good books of the school, but for some reason, I wasn’t or may be I was but more like in bits!

When I met this person, it seemed he filled in all the boxes and suddenly the gap was gone! So, since it was gone, I did not had to deal with my issues right? Here I was wrong. The life he presented, the life I lived with him, was the one I wanted so bad, so long, but the reality of my life has not been like that! My life has always been dark and hard! With no friends while growing up, and people judging me for my clothes all up until I think job days, but impacted me more during my school days, I did formed a certain level of social anxiety! I mean not having to talk to someone or you know being the one who is zoned out, about things here and there, being called upon by teachers and relatives, or being called up as the mad girl by the entire of the class, hmm, did impacted.

Funny it is right, these things are striking me now, like the amount of impact that had on me! Funny story, when I got a job, these things all came back to me few years back, and I was so convinced that I am mad and I need psychiatrist, I think I would be one of those people who went to psychiatrist where I told them that I have problem and they struggled saying that I don’t have. So much to an extent I wanted to convince the world that I am mad, that I pulled out I think 80 percent of my hair!! Just trying to prove my point!

This entire mad journey or whatever you may call it, went on for an year and when I started healing from it, my first response was to run away from it! I did not wanted to remind myself how shitty my life has been, or how many fucked up people I met, I just wanted to run away from it. So I befriended a lot of people, a lot I tell you, and heard their stories, their problems, I think at that time, it seemed as if listening to other people problems reduced mine, and it did as well! It was then that I met this person and he was everything I wanted, always wanted in my life, how I wanted my life to be!

But the truth is that it is far from reality, right? It is only now that I realise that no matter how hard, how fast and how far you come from reality, reality always catches up, and it catches up fast. So, instead of running away from our issues, the best is to resolve them! When we do get some sort of trauma, there are two things that happen

1. The immediate impact or to say the main thing that happened/will bother you
2. The underlying impact, the behaviours we catch up to deal with that trauma.

Resolving the second one, or picking from the second one, the behaviours that might have been positive and discarding the negative one, it is difficult. I am yet not on that path, but the first one. I think I found an answer, and may be I will try doing that and will let you know on how much impact it created for me! So, what you do is, you write letters, the first one is just directly to that person. Often because we never get to talk to the person who created this fucking trauma in our heads. So write a letter, write it down to that person, and tell that how much what they did to you impacted you. And scold them, if required abuse them, or wish them bad, or say things like karma will hit you back you mother fucker, whatever, you feel like, but write that letter down.

The next is to write a letter to God, stating that you wrote this letter and you hope that some karma will hit them and that you wish that how these things bother you still in your conscious, they are reminded of them as well, and how they did wrong, and how you have to deal with this, they also get to deal with these things and ultimately ask for peace, not just for you, may be for them. But first for you and a beautiful better peace for you, and if you don’t feel like asking for the other person, don’t. Don’t force that.

But I think this might help. And as I take on this journey where instead of running, I deal with the things that impacted me, I know its going to be hard, but I hope we can do it together, I wanted to say thank you to universe for having me met that person. I know we just lived 3 years together, its comforting to know that if those 3 years were 300 years, I would have enjoyed every bit of them. Thank you Universe for in some ways making up for all these years of nonsense dramas. Cheers to the bits and part of our life!

Amore

Avantika Tanubhrt