Tanubhrt.This.Side

Have you ever felt that there are two people living within you, two of them with different mindsets and different approaches and sometimes the one who is over powering decides how your day or your life is going to be like. Well, when I write it, it feels to me as if this is something I have read somewhere, or something that I talking by reading it somewhere! But, to be honest, I have been feeling this for quite some time. Like there are indeed two people.

One of them is looking for a more disciplined version of me, while the other wants to just relax. One of person is looking at things logically, asking or even guiding as to what next steps of my life should be while the other one is asking to let go of all the plans I ever made for my life. To just quit every plan and go travel the world, to not think about anybody and to be just be! But the moment I start supporting the first one, the other one comes back at me with reasoning of how things actually are and what is expected off!

May be these two people are actually one being man made and the other god made. May be! Is it like that? like one of them is the person who has been created by the expectations of the society and family while the other person is what I have been born as. And so the more I listen to the one that is man made, the more settling it seems, often may be because others have forced me to listen more to this person that to the one I was born with. And so now I myself have given way too much of power to the one that was man made and its not ready to give power to the one that I was born with. Because the I was born with has either ways not been that I have been listening to, so in some ways it has lost its self respect or so to say its confidence.

More like when I do things listening to the person I was born as, and they fail, I myself get against myself. Is it that I am now being scared of myself, that may be in some ways I am bullying myself. So, basically the man made version of me has bullied the real me. This sounds so internal and I have tears in my eyes, when I write this. The fact that this could be true and that would mean that I need got to spend time with myself with the real me and in so many ways never learnt to love and trust myself, and to be okay even if the real version of me made mistake.

I have given so much control to others that I myself let go of me! And may be this is the reason I find it so hard to sleep at nights, because the man made version of me is so tired of everything being done, yet the real me is hurt or feels not being listened to and then it keeps talking to me via thoughts and I don’t get sleep. Is it like that? Because if it is like that then chances are that it is even worse, because every time that I do not get sleep I go out and talk to other people, which basically means that even when myself the most important being for me is trying to talk to me, I am ignoring it for someone who does not gives a damn about me!

As I write this one, I am numb, there is a weird sensation in my hands and belly that is freaking me out!

Avantika Tanubhrt