Tanubhrt.This.Side

As a write this one, I feel such a bitch, but I mean these could be all some late night musings, the late night thoughts that aren’t letting me sleep at night, but as I keep writing them, it seems as if my life is flashing in front of my face. Not that I hate my family, but I am crying when I write this one, but, I feel as if I have been bullied by my own family and that does not mean just the parent brother situation, but more like the whole picture of it. I know that in earlier times people themselves were struggling with so many things and that is why I don’t think that they did it with an intention of bullying, but more with the intention of seeking out help and obviously when someone gives out of an empty bowl, they expect it back,

I was listening to an interview by Shefali Shah, she is one of the actress of Indian film industry, and she said, a relationship is toxic when you are so scared of reacting because you are not sure of how the other person might react to it. Sometimes, just sometimes or may be just right now, I feel as if I have been so scared of how people in my family will react to things that I have hidden those events of my life from them, and dealt with them alone in some ways and obviously I did not knew how to deal with them and so got into this drama of trichollitomania. And this entire how they will react or how they will be has become such a priority for me, that I have forgotten to live with myself or rather live for myself, not being much bothered about them.

This could be a right now situation but it feels as if I have been living my life trying to impress my family or trying to prove them something or trying to hide things from them and dealing with them all alone! So scared of telling people how I actually feel for being mistaken for how I actually feel. One of the classic, classic example of it would be when recently I told my family that I am not happy and all they came back to me was with why is that so, you got everything, with all these talks you bother us, because of you we are not able to sleep and stuff. And so then this makes me not talk to them at all! I am feeling as if, I have been so bothered about making sure that they are fine, that I have forgotten to take notice of whether I am or not.

Be it being in a job that I did not liked or being in a place where I was harassed or the fact that I never accepted love to happen to me, because I was so scared of how they will react to it, that I almost pushed it every time! I am getting the vibe that I have been told so many times to fight out my own battles that I have may be in some ways forgotten to sometimes seek help and getting help is something for so long I looked down upon.

This often also leads me into the trap of setting unrealistic expectations with people who upfront tell me that they indeed love me. Because when they do, I seek out for so much more and in the process of protecting myself or being so sure that they are right, because saying yes would mean that the real me is saying yes and not the man made version of me, that I do push people away! Oh boy!

May be this is good, I think may be because that I know it now, may be I will be able to help myself change these patterns around me. Change things up about me, a little for the better me. May be it will happen via writing on this blog that I will uncover all the things that happened and that I never shared, well I did once with one, I wish they had the strength to endure my madness, no bad feelings for anyone, but yeah! May be when we don’t have a physical being to support, we get it from the universal energies around.

Avantika Tanubhrt