Tanubhrt.This.Side

I came back from my walk today, sat down did some work, and while I was printing some of the documents that I needed, started plucking my hair! Now, for some time I had been thinking that walking helps in keeping my nerves calmer and so eventually I tend to break less of my hair or rather none of it! But this time, I had done my work, listened to some crazy ass music and was in a good mood, and it was then that pulled my hair.

And in the very next moment, I came into an introspection of why! Why did I do that? This time the theory that hit me in my head was of punishment. May be I am punishing myself, when I break my hair. Or it is my way of telling myself that there is something that I am not doing right! That very moment, I had already watched YouTube shorts for an hour, even though I promised myself that I would not do that. As I write this down, it does sound stupid, harsh and way too critical, but to me it makes sense.

Every time I have had high urges of pulling my hair have been the ones when things in my life were not going right, or when I was not even putting in the effort to making it right. You know this right, when we start observing things to be falling apart is not actually when they do, it is often way before that and those are the days when I do pull hair but not with that huge intensity. Those are the days, those are the things that I should take notice of and stop doing them.

So, one day I remember I was working and suddenly started pulling my hair, thinking or rather over thinking when I suddenly came to consciousness of why I was doing it, only to realise that I was indeed hungry and was trying to avoid eating food to work some more! And then the other day, while at work I was not ready for the day. Although mails had already been shared and I should have been, but I was not and being in a position of answerable, I got nervous. Not being prepared was my way of punishing myself, and that is when I broke my hair.

I think this could be bizarre but I am in some ways coming to terms with that this could be a thing. like if I promise myself something and then completely ignore it, this urge of pulling my hair increases, as a way of reminding that may be I am out of track! It could be either I am not sleeping or not working or not taking care of my body!

Consciously looking at it! Consciously changing that!

Avantika Tanubhrt