Tanubhrt.This.Side

LOVE! If you know me well, you know how obsessed I am with love, with the idea of love and how much I have wished for love marriage. So much that once I attracted a man named Love! lol isn’t it! But I failed at it every time, sometimes I did not even start because of my insecurities and sometimes delved too deep without any commitment! Either way, the heartache, the head pains, the crumbling cries and staring at the fan or breaking down in random moments have been the constants.

The first time when I fell in love I was so scared of the things my mother told me, that I never gave it a chance. I was so resilient in avoiding it that I ran from it as far as I could! Was bruised, hurt and maybe numb, and it took almost five years of not talking to the person to finally move on from him. Sometimes I wonder what if I gave it a chance, maybe if not love, I would have had some sweet memories with the person. But, after all the tears I promised myself that the next time I fall in love I would confront myself.

So, the next time when I fell in love, I was initially scared, scared of ruining my friendship with the person. He was my first friend, the first one I went out on a walk with, the long walks, the first person I felt so comfortable with, we would talk for hours about random things. But, inevitably I did fall in love with him. Sometimes when I look back at this one, I wish I was not that scared of losing my friendship with him. But, I was. I thought friendships are forever, and love is just a story of the present and it is then that I met love! No matter how much in love with my friend I was, I pushed myself with the other person. In turn hurting not just me, but two other people. So, when I confess my emotions the other one was not ready to accept it. Moreover, I was stupid enough not to know that there is a thing called waiting, giving the other person the time and space to think about things.

I did fell in love again! But this one I am still recovering from and writing about it, I am not sure if I would justify what happened. It is in this process of moving on from him, that I am beginning to think about what actually love is! I remember having thoughts about whether I ever will find love and last night after a lot of twisting and turning and rolling and crying, I realized I never will. No one ever finds love! Because the truth is how others behave toward us is a reflection of how we do it with ourselves.

Have we talked with ourselves about all the things that bother us? Did we meet our younger selves and tried to resolve all the issues they had? Are we doing something about things that our present self is worried about, or are we celebrating ourselves enough? Are we kind to ourselves with the mistakes that we make? Are we travelling with ourselves, taking ourselves out, teaching ourselves things, fighting for ourselves?

Honestly, no matter what love is if that is not what you do to yourself, you will never find it in others. Understanding something is one thing, following it is where the journey carries on. I hope that I do find the love that I am talking about, the one that we do to ourselves, the one that is of the greatest kind. Hope! Hope that I do fall in love with myself, and do the greatest love of all! HOPE!

Signing off

Avantika Tanubhrt