Tanubhrt.This.Side

Dear diary,

It is 4 in the morning and I am lost! My life’s biggest achievement, the hall of fame award is right in front of me and I feel as if it does not belong to me. There is this stupid, irritating voice that keeps on poking me that I am living a lie!! And I don’t know! It just feels weird and I am freaking out!! I think I should just stop, just stop writing about it or else I’ll lose it all.

So, thank you dear diary for a great life. Signing off for now!

I’m going to sleep now, get up afresh, live a new day today and it’s going to fine. This thought is silly!! I am here in Pune and it does not matters what happened in Varanasi!

“Varanasi”, said the station. A new place, a new name, a new beginning! I will finally get rid of this stupid name, Anmol! No one will tease me anymore and no one will tell me that I am a boy. I am a girl and I will have a girly name. Alancrita it will be. The world has to accept me!

 “Anmol, get up. It is your exam today and if you don’t pass it, you will not get admission into this school.”

“I am coming dad!”

This school is so big, but these chairs, they are hurting man!! English is easy, but what are these questions on math. I just don’t know what to do? I can’t solve even one of them! Shit!

“So, how was the exam?”

“It was fine dad.”

“Fine as in.”

“As in, I don’t know, it was okay and let us see what happens.”

“You will pass right??”

“Let us see, what happens!!”

“Your name is not there in the list, Anmol.”

Silence.

“Don’t worry! I’ll go and talk to your principal and everything will be fine.”

Half an hour later.

 “What happened dad?”

“Nothing, you will get admission in this school. So don’t worry!!”

“How did you do it?”

“That is not an issue but remember one thing, this must remain between you and me.”

“Okay!!”

“Madam, fool le lo, fool! Bohot sundar hai.”

“Huh!! What?”

“Fool madam fool! Pati ke liye le jalo nahi toh boss ko de dena!”

Nahi, nahi chaiye!”

What am I thinking, what am I doing? This is not happening! At this point in my career thinking about the past is so shitty! No ways, move on Alancrita or else you will ruin it all!

 “Are you dumb, Anmol?? How long will you take to understand three simple concepts? SAS, SSS, RHS, three simple geometry concepts. Why are you not able to do it?”

“I am trying dad.”

“No, you are not.I am warning you, if you don’t improve, I will take back your admission.”

“I’m sorry dad.”

Why is that I don’t have any friends? Why is that I just can’t understand these simple math rules? Why is math not like English, simple and beautiful? Why is that they all make fun of me? I am not that bad, or am I? Everyone teases me and calls me mad and dumb, God!! I am not mad. I am not idiot! I am just like them. Am I not?

“Listen, Anmol. It is not that I don’t understand that you are trying. The point is that there is a very tough competition out there and I want you to do well in your life.”

“I know dad and I promise I am going to work for it.”

“I have a good news for you. This time Avinash is coming to meet us.”

“Oh! Great dad! But, when?”

“Next week.”

“Bhai, Anmol.”

“Dad, he arrived!!”

 Lots of hugs and kisses!

 “How are you Avinash?”

“I am fine uncle.”

“All set for boards.”

“Yes, but I am having issues in math.”

“That I’ll help you in.”

“Come brother, let’s play!”

“Let him rest Anmol and then go to play!”

 “I’m fine uncle. Let’s go and play Anmol.”

“You know I got this kite for you brother, let’s fly it!”

“Kanni de, aur de aur de aur de. Yeah, yeah, yeah! We have got that kite. Run Anmol, run!!”

“Anmol, Avinash, what are you both doing in the terrace. Come down, its dinner time.”

 “Yeah, we are coming.”

“Bhai you know, this school that I have got admission in, it is so weird. My earlier school was good, at least better than this one.”

“Is there any problem, Anmol?”

“Nothing. Students here are weird. They judge me all the time. For the clothes I wear and the marks I get. The days I dress properly they come and talk to me, other times I have to eat my lunch alone. You know, one day I was doing yoga and I was not able to do it properly, everyone started laughing at me. I really don’t want to be in this school.”

“It is okay Anmol. You just work hard, get good marks and everything will be fine.”

“I hope so.”

Next day.

“Anmol go take a bath. Only after taking the bath will I give you breakfast.”

“Okay, dad.”

 “Dil dooba, dil dooba, neeli ankho m ye dil dooba, mehbooba, mehbooba, bus ye jan le mehbooba,  la la la la la!”

“Who is there? Who is there?”

Shit! Avinash Bhai.

Why was he looking at me from that window? He knew I was taking bath. I think maybe I am thinking too much, he must have done it accidentally. I so damn hope, he did it accidentally! But, what if he did it deliberately? No, he cannot, I have tied him Rakhi last year, I am his sister and he can’t do this to me!

Next day, he repeats it. Avinash was there peeping in the window, where her sister was taking bath!

He is doing it again! He is doing it. It is real, it was not an accident! My God, what should I do? Should I tell it to his mother? Should I speak about it to my father or should I directly tell it to him? No. I think, I should just remain silent. Telling will ruin all the relations!! I so damn wish mom was with me.

I need to find out other ways of helping myself!

I’ll do one thing, I will put a bed sheet around that hole, so no one will be able to see. And then it will be all fine!

“How much time you take Anmol for simply bathing?”

“Oh! That is because (you like an idiot peep inside the hole to see me naked.  I thought you were a brother, but no you are a moron. It is because of you that I take so much of time) I wash my clothes as well!”

“Save natural resources, Anmol”

“I will try from tomorrow, brother!”

“Anmol, where are you going? Let us watch this movie complete”.

 “No Bhai, I am going to sleep.”

 “What has happened to you? You don’t talk to me these days?”

 “Nothing Bhai! There is lots of summer holiday homework and if I don’t do it, I will get punished.”

“Okay, you go!”

“Phew! Thank God I was able to get out of there.”

Creak.

Oh my God! Shit, I forgot to lock the door. Oh my God, who has come? I just hope it is not him. God, please not him, please not him God. Shit, it is him. What is he doing, what is he doing? No, no, no! Please don’t sleep next to me! NO! No! No! NO!!

Oh God. Brother, what are you doing? I am your sister, don’t, don’t touch me! Shit, shit, shit!!

 “You are a bad girl and you deserve this! Do I Anmol? Yes, you do. So, now just pretend you are asleep and for once just bear it all. All your actions will be forgiven”. No!!

The hands moved through the entire body, from the breast to the stomach to the vagina and then back and forth.

“Ma’am, Ma’am!”

“Huh, hi Marina?”

“Any problem Ma’am, you’re crying?”

“No, nothing. Some issues need my immediate attention, that’s it. Can you please get me a black coffee with no sugar?”

How do organisms reproduce? Chapter 8 NCERT, Science. Huh! Had I not learnt that chapter, I wonder, where would have I landed myself! It was only when I read it I realized, I was not pregnant!!

I was not raped, his dick was not inside my vagina but for two years I felt the fear. I was just a 12 year old girl back then! No, I was not raped but I was killed and that is for sure! For the next two years to come, every time I went to the bathroom, I stared at my poop, trying to see if the baby had come out. I think I had lived in a lot of fear and that is what is coming back again! I do need to clear things out!

 “Dad, I got 80 percent in boards and you said if I get good marks, you will allow me to study in a big city!”

“Yes I did, but”.

“No dad, no buts, you said you will and you have to do it”.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Dehradun!”

“You said something, ma’am. Nothing, I just said Dehradun!”

“It is a beautiful city, ma’am. Yes, it is. It is!!”

“You know Marina I came to this city to full fill my dreams, I fought with my father to come here but.”

“But what ma’am!”

“Nothing, Marina. Thank you for the coffee!”

 “60 percent!! 60 percent!! Is this why I sent you there! For hearing your 60 percent score! ”

“I am trying. No you are not.”

“Yes. I am!!”

“What does he think of himself? I am trying and forget it! If sixty is not enough, I don’t care. Let me fail and let me screw it all! I don’t care anymore!”

“So, how were your final exams?”

“They were fine.”

“Fine as in.”

“As in, I don’t know, they were okay and let us see what happens.”

“You will pass right??”

“Let us see, what happens!!”

Results announced.

“Dad, what is the result? How much marks have I got?”

 “You have to give your exam again!  So, that means I have not passed my exam?”

“Does not matter, you have to give your exam again, and that is it”.

Marina knocks.

“Ma’am, it is lunch time.”

“Come in Marina.”

“Yes, ma’am what happened?”

“You remember I was talking something about Dehradun lately.”

“Yes Ma’am.”

“But what happen?”

“You know when I was young, I lost my mother. I failed in class 11th, the way I failed in class 6th when I was not able to get through the entrance exam of that school I wanted to be part of!! And just like always he was there, my father. He tried to become my mother as well as father. Trust me, he really had done a great job! He even bribed the school people and got me through the admissions into class 12^th only because he wanted me to succeed in life. I have been physically harassed by people who were very close to me and the reason I am telling you is because I trust you and I want to feel lighter right now!”

“Ma’am, it is okay, many people fail in life, but you have made things right for yourself now. I mean, oh shit!! Oh shit! Oh fuck!!”

“What happen Marina?”

“Ma’am, there is a rat in the room, look there!”

“Where?”

“There?”

It stayed still. There was a moment when Anmol and the rat were staring into each other eyes, as if they had known each other for a long time.

“Don’t move from the place where you are sitting, just don’t move!”

“Let me just go to mom, let me go dad!”

“I will just quickly run and reach there!”

Cheek!

“Have I killed it? Have I killed it?”

“Don’t think too much. Just go wash your feet and let it be!”

“Ma’am, what are you doing?”

Holds the rat in her hand.

You know I have been scared of you for so long! I know I once killed your brother, but that was an accident. Pure accident. And I do deserve a second chance, a chance to be something I should have been, something better, something that is closer to my heart and this time with you in my hand, I let go of all the fears of the past, of losing, falling and failing.

“You know Marina, I think all of us live with our past. All of us allow it to shape our future. But some of us know how to shrug the past. I think that is who I am going to be, the one who lived her life as if she was never hurt before, the one who won like she had never lost before!”

“You will Ma’am, you will!!”